The Viagra Bulge! Wall Street Rises on New Status Symbol!

By | 22.03.2018

Jerry Adler, a Wall Street broker, walks to his investment house every morning. Lately, he attracts attention from his fellow pedestrians, especially the other brokers. Why? Jerry is wearing Wall Streets latest fashion accessory. A fully erect, and very noticeable, penis bulging under his trousers.

The Viagra Bulge! Wall Street Rises on New Status Symbol!

The Viagra Bulge is the Armani suit of the new millennium. A symbol of success, virility and power packaged into a little pill.

“The market is inflating and so am I” says Adler, who is quite proud of his newly prominent appendage. He is not the only one. Once in the office, one can’t help but notice that all of the men are sporting full erections.

As the market continues to rise, and stock values continue their unprecedented inflation, new millionaire brokers are created. Many want to flaunt their ballooning success, the ultimate in alpha male achievement. For years that meant the BMW or the trophy wife. All those still count, but you can’t bring them to the office every day for the…er…benefit of your fellow workers.

But ask Jerry and he’ll tell you he found best trophy of all. “I was the first in the office to use Viagra” says Adler. “I was nervous at first but when everyone found out they were excited. Then my boss asked me for my source and it opened the floodgates. Since then I have been promoted twice. You can say I’m cock-of-the-walk now.”

The rise in Viagra sales TO Wall Street helped its makers stock, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, soar ON Wall Street. In fact, Viagra has had a cyclical effect on all pharmaceutical stocks, reigniting a new bull market which was rendered flaccid as recently as a few months ago. When the Dow Jones index hit the 10,000 mark, Viagra was credited for it.

Many seek the power of Viagra. Junk bond king and convicted felon, Michael Milken, turned to the drug for his meetings with Simon and Schuster. Michael was on a short list of bidders for the prestigious, and large, book publisher, competing with some of the biggest conglomerates in the world.

“I had to show them what I was made of” said Milken. “I had to prove to them that I was big enough for the task.”

Still, for all its big demand, Viagra is very expensive and erections only last for a few hours.

Hey! you can’t let yourself go limp half-way through the day” said Adler. “you must keep up the goods. Some of us go through 6-7 pills a day. At $20 a hit black market, anyone who can continuously buy it proves he is making the big money.”

What about traditional aphrodisiacs? How is this affecting them?

“Adapt”, says Constantine Papanapolos, owner of the famous Clam Broth House in Hoboken NJ. “Our biggest seller is oysters, the greatest of all aphrodisiacs. Now when you open one up, instead of a pearl you find a pill.

But not all industries can adapt. The rhino horn business is down significantly since the introduction of Viagra.

“Even at black market rates the pill is cheaper” said a local African poacher. “Oh yeah, and it actually works”.

For those who cannot afford Viagra, there are alternatives. Running on the infomercial circuit on TV are commercials hawking the “Faux Bulge”, a brass prosthetic that slips into the front pocket. Oddly, the largest buyers of the Faux Bulge are women who work on Wall Street.

“First is was the glass ceiling, now I got to go out and buy brass balls!” complained one female broker who asked to remain anonymous.

The pill is making inroads everywhere, from the Hollywood deal makers to male ballet dancers (already known for their bulges) to politics….

Presidential candidates for the year 2000 race are rushing for Viagra prescriptions, all vying to be the most endowed. “America wants a virile President” said Democratic candidate Al Gore. “Look at Jack Kennedy. Look at President Clinton’s polls after every affair.”

But early reports show Viagra does not work for all.

“I’ve been using this stuff for a week and nothing!” said republican candidate Dan Quail. “Absolutely nothing! This is without doubt the worst suppository I ever used”!